Friday, November 11, 2011

why can't I turn off the TV?

"Just turn off the freaking TV!" is what the little voice in my head keeps saying. For some reason my thumb won't listen and I'm finding myself channel surfing to the point of exhaustion. The only thing that I'm cultivating this way is my knowledge of the Kardashian clan. Daytime TV lacks a number of things, most of all it lacks anything of value, so why is it hard to follow my internal advice? After a little soul searching I've managed to come up with a few ideas but nothing concrete. Realistically, the reason doesn't matter, I just need to turn off the freaking TV!

Monday, November 7, 2011

what to do, what to do?

I'm officially 1 week from my scheduled c-section and while I'm looking forward to not being pregnant anymore I'm beginning to experience an entirely new set of emotions. Within the past week I've gone from optimistic and motivated to cranky and stressed. The latter is not welcome. So now I'm asking, what to do?

My doctor says that it's completely normal for someone who has had a prior traumatic birth experience to experience what equates to post traumatic stress disorder. Unfortunately it's not a phrase that's new to me. A few years ago I had become completely depressed and PTSD was thrown out...and then medications followed. Everything eventually fell back into line and I recovered, or at least I thought I had. Now my doctor tells me I have a deer in headlights look. I keep worrying about leaving Fabrizio motherless. I can't help it. No amount of positive thought is getting that awful scenario out of my head.

Thankfully, I have a great husband who has been bearing the brunt of the childcare, housework and me. But the question remains, what to do?

I've thought a lot about pre-writing articles for my column, which is a great idea but the ideas aren't coming. I've thought about upping my positive self thought but I feel like my brain is in opposition to the idea. I've thought about taking it easy and lying on the couch but to be honest, there's not much on TV and I'm bored out of my mind. I've thought about baking but then again Fabrizio has a restricted diet and I should be considering a diet. The thought has crossed my mind to edit my book and write a few chapters but I'm not sure my brain has the ability to focus. I've thought about a lot but I'm not doing a lot.

The problem with everything I've listed isn't necessarily the ideas but the BUTS. How on earth could anything be accomplished with so many BUTS? It couldn't, plain and simple. I need to let go of the BUTS and get on with it. So today, from this moment on, I will do. Even if it's just one thing a day, I will do. No BUTS about it.