Friday, June 25, 2010

A little dumber

Growing up I was funny. Then I was smart. Now I'm neither. What the hell happened?

I don't know how I got to this point but I am definitely dumber than I was 10 years ago. Maybe we all are? Or maybe that's just my wishful thinking that I'm not alone in my slow decline into dementia. As far as being funny, well that went out the door most likely before smart. I never was good at multi tasking. Here are some of my thoughts on where it went wrong:

-Maybe it's the amount of TV I watch? I know that it's not at all intellectually stimulating to watch Wipe Out but I love watching people back flip over those big balls. Cracks me up every time!

-It might be that I've gone from reading classics to chick lit in record numbers. After all, who doesn't love reading about some super chic woman in New York or London and her hilarious mishaps?

-It most definitely has something to do with spellcheck!

-I've also heard that your brain shrinks when you have a baby but isn't it supposed to go back? It's been nearly 4 years and I think that blaming my lack of intelligence on "mommy brain" is just the easy way out.

David, God love him, has always poked fun at me when I make a grammatical error. I, on the other hand, always thought that he deserved severe lashings for being so rude. That was until Monday morning when my yoga teacher complimented my sunglasses and my, meant to be witty, reply was "I robbed my husband of them". Seriously, what the f? As soon as I said it I basically turned and ran off completely embarrassed to be such a dumb ass. Now I'm noticing everything from "it's in the bedroom...I mean kitchen..bathroom!ARGGHHH!!" to "I go store down". No joke, actual quotes.

I don't even want to get into how I blurt out things that are best left unheard. These are mostly mean little comments that surely must come from an alternate personality that I'm unaware of. (A shout out to Rosanne Barr and her many voices!) The other night I attended a writing class (yes, I know I need it) but there were some seriously annoying people in it. One woman in particular had a flush face and was wearing a pink shirt (yes, she might of been tad overweight). All I that kept running through my mind like it was on replay was "little Miss Piggy has an autobiography" I know it's mean. I'm a terrible person for thinking it. In fact, I still feel bad.

I'm blaming it all on my grandmother. Yep that's right. If you know my grandmother then you can nod your head in agreement. If you don't, well then count yourself lucky. OK, fine blaming her is a cop out...and most definitely not Zen like. That mean little voice is no longer allowed any space. I will do my best to think before I speak. Above all, I am on a mission to regain my Zen and sanity!!

Sunday, June 20, 2010

A Struggle to be Zen

Today has been one of those days...enough said. Just a few of todays grievances:

5am wake up call from a far to energetic Fabrizio

David has been gone since 8am...and it's father's day

Cat vomit on David's Prada shoes...I'm leaning toward letting him find that little surprise on his own, that's what you get for leaving me alone!

2 cups coffee and a double espresso...and I'm still not wired.

I feel gross from too much coffee and eating only carbs today.

Well, that's really it. My mind must be playing tricks on me because I thought for certain today was much more difficult. Ugh. Being Zen is hard. I think I'll resume tomorrow.

Monday, June 14, 2010

Yoga No No's

In an attempt to regain control of my weight I've joined a hot yoga studio near my home. It's been about 2 months now and I love it. It's total torture but I love the results. If sitting around watching TV rendered the same results I've be Heidi Klum (in my dreams) but no such luck. Anyway, in the time that I've been attending this class I've made a list of recommended No No's just in case you are curious about yoga etiquette.

1. It's a hot room. No stinky farts please.

2. At some point your feet will be close to someones face. Please wash them prior to class.

3. Please do not blow your nose on your towel, then smooth it out so you lie face first in it.

4. Do not fling sweat on the person next to you. It's just gross.

5. If you take the time to change your clothes after class, take an extra 5 minutes and shower.

I really think that these should be a obvious. Some people on the other hand do not think anything of it (gross people). If you happen to find yourself in a yoga class with someone who is blatantly violating any of the above mentioned rules by all means call them out. Taunt them. Humiliate them. Do whatever it takes to never ever have to endure Yoga torture.