So last week sucked for no other reason than my mood decided to shift. According to my Buddhist friend we are to feel each emotion completely, not fight against it and allow ourselves to just be in that moment. I have to admit that although it was a struggle, especially when my mood was telling me to cuss out the car that just cut me off, I did it. I felt like total and complete shit (for lack of a better word). I was angry at the world and I was sitting in it. Up to my eyeballs in defeat, rage, sadness and any other word you can think of to describe someone who feels as though they've made to many sacrifices and are no longer with options to change what they created.
Not a pleasant thought, I know, but sometimes life isn't pleasant and it's not real to pretend otherwise.
In attending to those feelings with acceptance I was able to see things more clearly. It was almost as if I was an observer of myself. OK, so I wasn't perfect in the process but then again I'm thinking that the Buddhist thought would be that whatever I was is what I was meant to be. At some point I saw what was lying beneath those feelings-why it occurred, where I became bitter, why I'm angry. What happened next was unexpected, I found a sense of peace. I don't really want to associate with giving up but something all together better. I am no longer struggling with myself or an ideal that I'm trying to attain. What is simply is.